FAQ's ???

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Q. What is the most ‘popular’ problem that couple’s strive with in marriage?
1. The most common problem that Paul and I have come across in our many years of marriage counselling is that of poor communication between a couple, which comes as a result of misunderstandings between them, not learning to understand each other and not spending enough time with one another to talk, listen and share their lives. We have to invest time, effort, energy and enthusiasm into our marriages to make them work and grow and too many couples do not make time to communicate properly and also to have fun!  
Most couples, after they have been married a while, seem to lose the ability to talk to each other and share their feelings. They don’t readily forgive and quickly begin to resent each other and then a barrier comes between them and they find it hard to talk to each other.

Q. Is there a chance to re-build the marriage relationship where the communication has died? 
2. Where there is a willingness on the part of the couple to start to put things right, then there is always hope for that marriage. Firstly, they both need to recognise that they have ceased to communicate properly with each other and acknowledge that they are both to blame in some way for the breakdown in communication. Secondly, they need to be determined to make their relationship work and they will have to 'unlearn' some bad habits and begin to put in place some good practices that will help them to communicate better with each other. Then they will have to learn to start sharing their thoughts, desires and hearts at a deeper level than they have ever done before with the result that the level of honesty and commitment between them both will certainly grow and deepen. If these people are Christians, then they will be able to ask God to help them to work their problems through and claim His power and strength to enable them to obey God's Word and to love each other in the right way.
There is always the possibility to rebuild a marriage if the couple are both willing to talk and to forgive each other. Even if communication has died it can be resurrected and brought to new life. The only reason we stop talking to each other is because of hurts, and if our hurts are not healed through forgiveness then our hearts become hard towards each other. But if we are willing to allow our hearts to soften then communication can begin again. Jesus said that it is “out of the heart that our mouths speak” or “whatever is in your heart determines what you say.”  (Matt.12:34; Luke 6:45). So it is important that we always speak the truth in love in our marriages because that way we keep communication alive.

Q. What are some of the difference between men and women and how can we handle these differences in marriage?
3. God has made men and women to be very different and that is one of the most exciting things about the marriage relationship..........we have fun finding out so much about each other! However, sometimes, the very qualities that attracted us to one another initially, can irritate us years later in the relationship and we tell ourselves that we have 'fallen out of love' with each other but that is simply not true. We are very different in the way that we communicate, work through problems and show our emotions. Sometimes this is because of our different temperaments as individuals and sometimes it can be due to gender differences. Therefore, we need to acquaint ourselves with the differences between us as husbands and wives, recognise them, accept them and start to enjoy those differences. We should not be threatened by them but see them as ways in which we are able to complement each other in our marriages......one individual is strong in a certain area of marriage and the other is weaker, but then he/she brings a different strength to the relationship that the former does not possess and so each will complement the other person. Marriage is a partnership where we share all our strengths, weaknesses and our many differences and so, by our love and support of one another, we are able to help each other to grow as people!
Our differences are very important and God given, and unless we understand our differences it will cause a lot of tension in a marriage. Simple things like the fact that women generally think their thoughts out loud whereas men tend to go quiet and turn things over in their minds before they speak. Women are multi-tasking, they can do more than one thing at a time, whereas men can only focus on one thing at a time. Women are more able to show their emotions than men; men tend to hide them away a lot more.  A women’s internal thermometer is set lower than a man’s, that is why she is wanting to always turn the heating up and he is wanting it turned down!

Q. What have been some of your successes in marriage counselling?
4. We have seen many marriages restored and healed over the years because those couples have been determined and willing to implement right attitudes and behaviour to help  make their marriage strong and so there have been lots of 'successes' in that respect! However, if I were to think of a particular situation, then it would concern a couple who had been married for about thirty years and who had never been truly happy or fulfilled in their marriage relationship. They were temperamentally very different people and their communication was quite poor and reduced to arguing quite frequently! He was arrogant and demanding with his wife and she was stubborn and argumentative towards her husband. They came to see us because she was so unhappy and she had decided to separate from him and consequently, he was confused, angry and heartbroken. We agreed to work with them over about a year during the separation and God changed both of their hearts towards each other. They worked through a lot of painful issues and both forgave one another for hurtful words, etc., and then they were re-united as a couple. That happened about 10 years ago and the couple have since told us that they have never been so happy and fulfilled. (We see them occasionally and they are still enjoying their marriage!)  

Q. Do you think that there is a ‘golden rule’ for couples to be able to live together happily married?
5. If couples truly bring God into their relationship and ask Him for His help every day, then they can enjoy a happy and fulfilling marriage, because God tells us in His Word how we should live our daily lives. However, even if a non-Christian couple visit us for help, we would say the same commonsense things to them...........they need to communicate regularly with each other and strive to understand and accept one another as husband & wife. They should spend quality time with each other and share romantic 'fun' times together! They need to learn about the other person's needs and endeavour to meet them, whether they are physical, emotional, communicational/intellectual, sexual or spiritual needs. A husband needs to learn to love his wife selflessly, putting her interests above his own because a man who loves like that will find that his wife will respond very graciously and lovingly to that sort of sacrificial love!  The issue of 'forgiveness' is a main factor in marriage because if we cannot forgive one another, then we cannot move on or grow together. These are some of the things that we teach on a regular basis that are very necessary for a truly satisfying marriage relationship.  
I think that there is a ‘golden rule’ that will enable couples to live happily together, and it is, “Husbands love your wives with the same love Christ showed…” (Eph.5:25) If every husband tried to love his wife in the way that Jesus loves us then she would have no difficulty in loving him in return and the couple would enjoy happiness in their marriage the way God intended.